After the initial romance is over, all couples enter into power struggles and disillusionment. They play out painful emotional patterns that are unconsciously generated from their original family dynamics and their defenses against them. Re-wounding the old wounds leads to confusions about whether we can trust a partner to hear and feel us accurately and to the sense that we are with “an enemy” who means us harm.

“Can I trust you ever again?” This question can open the door to a renewal of intimacy and a new self-understanding, as well as the possibility of developing the skills of mindfulness to be used in emotionally activated cycles of conflict.

Dialogue Therapy is a time-limited couple therapy that facilitates insight and skills in the partners themselves so that they don’t come to depend on the therapist to negotiate their difficulties. Couple therapy is notorious for failing because partners depend too much on the therapist, and do not use new skills and insights on their own. Dialogue Therapy was designed especially for couples to become experts on their own relationships and take that expertise home with them.

Created originally by Polly Young-Eisendrath and Ed Epstein in the mid-1980s, Dialogue Therapy has continued to develop in its method and its meaning. Polly has published three books about it, and a fourth one is in the works. Hags and Heroes (1984), You’re Not What I Expected (1993), Love Between Equals (2019) and a new training manual (2022) all help couples and therapists use Dialogue Therapy and benefit from its discoveries.

Dialogue Therapy consists of 20 hours of session-work which may be done in regular blocks (biweekly, for example, or monthly) or intensively. There is a sixth month follow-up as part of the therapy.

20 hours total:

Evaluation of the Couple: First 5 hours

The evaluation can be condensed into one day, or spread into 90 min. blocks at no more than weekly intervals.

Working on a Conflict: 2-3 hours/ 2 Separate sessions

These can be 2 times 60 or 90 minute blocks at a monthly interval,

Practicing and Refining Skills: 2 Meetings
These can be 2 times 60 or 90 minute blocks at a monthly interval.

Testing Your Empathy for Partner: 2 Meetings
These can be 2 times 60 minute blocks at a monthly interval

Using Dialogue Skills: 2 Meetings
These can be 2 times 60 minute blocks at a monthly interval

… THEN ONCE SIX MONTHS LATER…

Follow Up Session: 1 Meeting

This can be a 60 minute block planned 6 months following previous meeting.

The team of two co-therapists— the Reflecting Team (RT):

• during each session, one therapist is positioned in the ‘blindspot’ of each partner; that therapist will then work with the same partner throughout the therapy

• this model gives each of the couple a therapeutic ally

• Your facilitators will both model and coach real dialogue skills through to the transformation of your relationship

Is Dialogue Therapy (DT) only for married couples?

No: other kinds of pairs have used and benefitted from DT. Intergenerational pairs such as an adult and their parent; sibling pairs; business partners are some examples.

PYE has created trainings in Real Dialogue which can be practiced to assist in difficult conversations where a therapy is not relevant. This can be self-directed, or a practicing reflecting team (RT) can coach these skills on-demand (i.e., not following the 17 hour protocol, rather, in one or two sessions).

Is Dialogue Therapy available in a distance therapy/ video conference format?
Maybe. Arterie session work can be adapted to a teleconference format, in order to allow for continuity in the case of quarantine, or to adapt to other inconveniences. However, in-person Dialogue Therapy is best practice and preferred.

For couples wishing to pursue long-distance DT from our Burlington, ON, location, please first check for local certified Dialogue Therapists. Also consider whether an intensive DT on-site weekend at The Arterie is an option. Retreat centre available for 3-day format with co-facilitators Esther K. & Sarah B.

Does a Reflecting Team for Dialogue Therapy incur two consultation fees per session?
Yes. The model is designed for 20 hours of session work over one year, with two therapists delivering service. PYE compares DT treatment as equivalent to one longer-term (i.e., one-year long) couple therapy with a sole professional.

Dialogue therapy is a master-class program that empowers couples to master the skills necessary to transform repetitive conflict into love between equals.

Some Arterie therapists are still training, and so the session fee will be reduced in this case.

Is DT covered by my benefits?

DT is performed by two registered psychotherapists who will invoice separately, each under the name of one of the couple. Thus, clients whose insurance benefits cover Ontario RPs can apply for reimbursement with their receipt.

Is solo Dialogue Therapy an option?

Maybe. Arterie therapists honour this short-term DT model with co-therapists wherever possible. There are other DT practitioners that offer the solo DT model by distance. We will help to direct your inquiry.

Can couples practice this skillset on their own?

Yes! Between PYE’s books and online resources, there is plenty to scaffold you to integrate Real Dialogue to overcome repetitive conflict in your relationships. If the conflict persists, this is where you can benefit from a Reflecting Team to assess and navigate the impasse that persists.